Suzzie Home Maker

So, here it is almost what....three months since I've last written. Well dammit I've been a busy monkey. Here's a brief update on what's been going on in my life.

1. I was hospitalized twice in the last three months, once cause of something stupid, and once cause I have a genetic disorder that is apparently so rare in the US that it effects like one out of 15,000 monkeys (It made me look like a zombie, bloodshot eyes, drooling, and bloodiness, I scared myself, it's true)
2. I attempted to quit my job at the hospital after being told that I should by a doctor. However I don't think they let me quit, and as of right now I haven't been there in over a month but apparently I still work there.
3. I live in NJ now, no longer in Central Park, with my black spotted leopard girlfriend (she's a vegetarian so I don't have to worry about being munched on) we have a nice apartment in a quite little town, along with two cats and three chinchillas, who run the house.
4. I'm still struggling with writing my novel, and despite everyone's best advice have rewritten the first chapter before finishing the whole thing (suffice to say I like it much better now)
5. I'm currently battling a colony of flies who have attempted to forcefully take over my kitchen, which has seriously thrown a cramp into my cooking.
6. Oh speaking of cooking; I now believe myself to be an award winning chef, and am planning to call Mario Batalie out. That's right fat man I'm coming for you and your attitude.
7. I shaved my head because I was hot, and after reading somewhere that a large % of heat escapes from your head I opted for no hair. I look like a cross between a holy man and a circus freak, especially since I ran out of contacts and broke my glasses causing me to wear my girlfriends in order to see.
8. My Xbox 360 died on me, but it's back now. I got Halo3 on the release date sept 24th at like some crazy time in the AM, I beat it that night. I got a Wii and realized it was a waist of money because there are only a few games worth owning and the games I want are all over in Japan. I gave up on getting a PS3 because....well it's like too freaking expensive for an unemployed monkey.
9. Even though I'm still technically employed by the hospital, I'm looking for a job. Please give me one.
10. Being that I am unemployed (kinda) I have become a home maker, I watch my stories, cook and clean, and have decided that if given the choice I think I would totally be a stay at home dad.
    

So that about sums up my life for the last three months, I have a nice bit of dairy entries from my first stay in the hospital that might find their way up here so look for that cause they are pretty amusing.

Tomorrow: Will your car fly if you put jet fuel into it?

Check out Daddy Monkeys New web site.

So my father has this nifty web page.

http://www.buythisforyourgirlfriend.com/

Home is where a monkey is.....

I've been out of work on a LOA. now for about a week and 3 days or something. There are things going on and it's making my monkey very difficult. However all this nonsense did not stop me from paint-balling it up on Saturday from 11am till 5pm. I'm sure I have found a sport that at which I excel, if only I could get my thighs to loosen up cause it's been two days now and it hurts to walk.

Roughnecks: Sarship Troopers Cartoon - Tesca Campaign [1/10]

Ok what the hell is this like Bungie of this studio totally riped one of the other off, I mean it's the f-ing master chief.
I'm ashamed of the lack of creativity that Hollywood has.

Indiana Jones and the Comedy Tour of Danger

So recently I have come the the conclusion that Dane Cook extraordinary comic that he is, and Harrison Ford extraordinary actor that he is, are in fact related or clones of one another.

Look here in these pictures.

It's the same freaking person. I mean come on, you give Dane an earring and you give Harrison some messy ass hair and boom there you go. On top of that they have the same "all is right with a universe smart enough to have me in it" smile, they also both look dumb as hell with beards. I'm surprised you humans with your "Big Brains" didn't catch on to this first. A clone right under your nose, typical that I find out and have to inform the masses. Anyway, now that I am armed with my new information, I'm going to lobby LucasFilm.

Dane Cook as Indiana Jones
Yeah it'd work.
I bet he'd work for a lot less the Mr. Ford, cause lets face it
he'd more then likely sell his soul to be Indy.
I know I would.

Tomorrow: Is it better to have loved and lost then to have spent $10,000 on a semester of college.

Work

So here it is a holiday weekend and I am sitting at my normal place in the wonderful job that I work at.

I have to say there's something magical about working here and not Guitar Center. Let me go into detail.

1. I would have to be at work at the same time 6:30, but at GC I wouldn't be sitting down right now


2. I get off at 3 here at GC I more then likely would have been there oh...lets say till about 8


3. At GC I would be fighting with pissy customers about not wanting to spend money on good equipment, here I'm fighting with pissy departments to get their patients.


4. I would be dealing with the same type of employees.....well not really, but close to them (The people here need to be forced to work)


5. I'm hung over now and completely happy if I were still at GC would be hungover and totally unhappy


6. I can urinate when ever I want here, I would have to wait for one of the 2 bathrooms at GC.

Look at that beauty. It's freaking awe inspiring.

Tomorrow: Elephants fight tigers who actually wins?

Monkey, a broad

So my darling sister is in Barcelona, home of the running of the bulls (or is that Pamplona, oh well it's all the same to me). This is her second trip over the pond, I however have not ever been over the pond. I would love to travel, ya know becoming a more well rounded monkey. Ya know maybe Japan would be receptive to monkeys, I mean people dress like this there.

(I actually might get this for Halloween you know dress like a monkey that is a monkey)

So a nice trip to Japan and I can be among friends whom welcome monkeys. Also on the fact that I import lots and lots of toys (dragon quest stuff you wouldn't understand no one really dose) I could go over there and spend less money to get them which would rock. So as of today I am starting a send a Biff to Japan fund. Comment with how much you wanna donate and I will print it out and show it to the airport, and tell them they should take the comments as cash and let me get a ticket.

Tomorrow: Kitty Pee, why dose it always smell

Beer...

It's 8:44 EST, 8:49 if you look at my alarm clock. I have been home since roughly 4ish, (traffic was rather light today on my way back into the city) there was a cool breeze blowing through the park today. I came home and cracked open a beer.....and have had one open since then, needless to say I'm kinda drunk, and while sitting here being drunk I've tripped over a great thing to write about.


So we know my issues when it comes to finding bands, correct? Well this rant has nothing to do with that (or spider-man 3 {no I'm not over it}). I spoke to my old classmate today she's a tree sloth, (I have wide group of friends), and she and I broke into a conversation about her current boyfriend judging her by her past...lets say activities. I said that was bullshit and that no one should judge anyone by past relationships or lack there of. Anyway the conversation it still going on it's 9:04 right now I'll let you all know how it ends tomorrow.

So anyway, I'm trying to make my bosses life harder then he thinks it is. You see, my boss and I have this mutual hate for one another. These mostly manafest themselves in verbal attacks, "You should die alone"(Me to him), "You're useless to me now that you hurt your wrist." (Him to me) Anyway this war is about to climax very soon and this is due to my blaitantent disreguard for the rules of the hospital. You'll find out soon.

Everything turned out with the slot and she and her man lover will be at the beach this weekend.

Tomorrow:The tour bus didn't break down again did it?

Look musicians is almost as hard as finding a.......

Well a lot of things. I'm coming to the conclusion that finding a group of people that fit my set criteria I've set is nearly impoisable. I might have something to do with this, as I stated some time ago I am a pertencious prick when it comes to music, I need the people I play with to know their equipment and how it works (Guitar Center ruined my life). That said I'd rather join an established band then one just forming, (at 23 I feel time is running out for me and a band, so I need to just join one) but the problem as always is, everyone is looking for drummers and I play bass, and that actually brings me to my rant.

What the hell is it with drummers? I have friends that are drummers don't get me wrong, they are great people, however the majority I have met are rather dumb. I'd like to know why an instrument that takes so much timing and counting and well math has become the instrument of so many dumb people. Actually I think I might have an answer to my own question, you see drums are expensive, one of the most expensive instruments out there,(heads, sticks, cymbals {those can run 200 a pop, and those are cheep ones} hardware) a good (Jen would know what i mean) starter drum kit and that's everything can run you anywhere between 500 and 700 where if you were to buy a starter guitar you could spend a max of 400 and that's if you have a good sales guy. So what does of that mean Biff? Well my friends, only stupid people with lots of money buy drums (excluding the people that I know cause they're exceptions to the rule). Most musicians can't stand stupid people, so they eventually kick the drummer out. Hence why everyone is looking for a drummer. I'm sure someone could counter this whole argument, but come on, it's so easy to pick on a drummer.

I'm not over Spider-Man 3 yet and have decided it's my civil duty to tell everyone not to see it. I had dinner with my family last night for granny monkey's birthday, and spent most of the night explaining to my little cousin the mongoose (she's adopted and like 10 or something like that) how the movie was written for children and she shouldn't watch it,(that's right talking the demographic down, I'll show Sony). Sam Raimi will be receiving my letter just as soon as I spell check it, hopefully I will get a reply though I know the chance is slim. My friend the Zombie tells me that it's not Mr. Raimi's fault, and to him I say "Look at who wrote the freaking script"

OK well off to bed, I have a long day tomorrow of pretending to care about my job.

Tomorrow: Is gas (from beans, broccoli, dairy for some people) the solution to the nation's fule problems?

10 weeks later and I don't feel anymore smarter

So my writing course just ended, Tuesday to be exact. It's was fun to say the least and I now have an even greater superiority complex when it comes to my awesome writing abilities. But for once tooting my own horn will have to wait, for i have a public service announcement that must be made.

Don't See Spider-Man 3

Yes that's right, Hollywood has effectively ruined the best superhero franchise since Superman.

Sam Raimi this message is to you, (along with the 3 page letter you will be receiving at Sony Picture Studio {Letter to follow}) you have let us down. Spider-Man is everyone's hero, kinda like Batman but normal, everyone has been the geek/nerd (myself included if you can even fit you head around that) and that's what makes him The Amazing Spider-Man. Look we're not asking for something on the same level as Spider-Man 2 (best superhero sequel ever) but you could have at least I don't know tried to make it with the same feeling the first film had. That was just it, the movie felt half assed.

Mr. Sam Raimi, I understand that you and Bruce Campbell are good friends and I for one enjoy the Army of Darkness movies, I felt it was very sneaky of you to have him show up in both film, but then in the third one he completely steals the scene he's in (for those of you who have yet to see the movie, he play a french matredee). His ridiculous french accent and dialogue which sounds like something that I would be able to find in the original script of Monty Python's Holy Grail (however I own that and it is clearly not the case) Peter Pecker indeed.

Why is Gwen Stacey even in the movie? What point dose she serve? She and Eddi Brock weren't even involved, hell she's Peter's first girlfriend I think, hang on I'll wiki it......Right Here......

[edit] Peter Parker's girlfriend
Gwen first appeared in Amazing Spider-Man #31 (December 1965); Peter Parker met Gwen while they were undergraduates at Empire State University. Initially, with Aunt May lying in Hospital, Peter was troubled and ignored her advances, and in return, she felt insulted by his aloofness. Gradually, however, a romance developed; Gwen, a science major, seemed to appreciate Peter's intellectual personality, different from that of jocks like Flash Thompson and preppies like Harry Osborn. She was Peter Parker's first true love.
Their romance became more complicated when her father, Police Captain George Stacy, was killed by falling debris from a battle which involved Spider-Man and Doctor Octopus (The Amazing Spider-Man #90). Gwen blamed Spider-Man for that event, which set back their relationship for a while. Gwen left for Europe to deal with her loss. When she returned from Europe, Gwen and Peter resumed their relationship, but it would not last for long.

[edit] The Death of Gwen Stacy
Main article: The Night Gwen Stacy Died

Trade-paperback reprint collection, The Death of Gwen Stacy (2002 ed.) Cover art by J.G. Jones.
In The Amazing Spider-Man #121 (June 1973), "The Night Gwen Stacy Died" by writer Gerry Conway and penciller Gil Kane, Gwen Stacy was held captive on a tower of the Brooklyn Bridge by the Green Goblin (Norman Osborn, who is aware that Peter Parker is Spider-Man). Spider-Man arrives to fight the Green Goblin, and when the Goblin throws Gwen Stacy off the bridge, Spider-Man catches her by a leg with a string of web; the sudden deceleration snaps her neck. He initially thinks he has saved her, but when he pulls her back onto the bridge, he realizes she is dead. In shock and anger, Spider-Man nearly kills the Green Goblin in retaliation, but in the end chooses not to do so. The Goblin still seemingly dies when he is impaled by his own Goblin Glider in an attempt to kill Spider-Man.
The death of Gwen Stacy had an enormous impact in the world of comic-book fandom.[citation needed] Before her, except possibly as part of an origin story, superheroes simply did not fail so catastrophically; nor did a loved one of the superhero die so suddenly, without warning, or so violently. Because of this, some fans and historians take the death of Gwen Stacy as one marker of the end of the period they refer to as the Silver Age of Comic Books.
Physicist James Kalakios shows in his book The Physics of Superheroes that, consistent with Newton's Laws of Motion, it was the sudden stop that killed Gwen Stacy.[2] The comic book Civil War: Casualties of War: Captain America/Iron Man (2007) concurred that the proximate cause of death was the sudden stop during a high-velocity fall.

F-ing love wiki. Ok so right there, huge problem. By the way if you read the rest of the article you find out that MJ and Gwen are actual friends and Peter gets involved with MJ cause....GWEN F-ING DIES......(That by the way is old school Spider-Man, I don't count the new stuff, even if the movie is closer to the Ultimate Spider-Man universe then the original one). Get your history correct if you are going to make a movie, I don't even wanna get into Eddi Brock/Venom and how he doesn't die like that.

Sam, Raimi you have effectually made a mockery of the whole world of Spider-Man and I hope to God (notice the capitol "G" 'bout the worldly accepted god) that you realize the mistake you made and that if you are selected to direct to other 3 upcoming films you do your best to clean up the slop you have made from this last film.

End of Service Announcement

So anyway, now that I got that off my chest on to other news. Your's truly was thanked in an album, that's right a MF-ing nationally released album. Granted it's just my first name but I know it's me, frankly because I was told by the guy that wrote the thanks. I'm currently at work, being lazy, hell it's a nice Sunday and I'm in an office with no windows, suffering from a horrible case of gas and dealing with people that have the combined intelligence of a mollusk. I have every right to mess around on the computer, it's my given right as a supervisor (acting supervisor, helps having a bum wrist). But this office really sucks no matter what I do, I think I might take a walk in a little bit, ya know to fart some place other then this tiny cube of a room.

I'll catch you all on the flipside.

Tomorrow: The Giant Space Elevator or why NASA likes to waist money.

Off To Higher Education I Go

So, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not the best writer in the world (however silly that thought may be)

So I'm taking a writing class, that one of the reason that I've been lax in keeping everyone updated on my super awesome life as a primate.

Be back soon.

Love,
The Great Slam Dancing Monkey

Look of insperation on the celling.

It's been going on....Oh...a month maybe since I've worked on my book. I'm the worst author ever I say to myself as I'm getting into bed last Monday. Through last week I struggled with my lack of both inspiration and motivation, becoming pissed with my job and pretty much everything else. So this week started like the previous ones but then yesterday I woke up and said something different.

In which I attempt to find inspiration by looking at the paint:
At 10:30ish I woke up, I proceeded to clean up around the tree-house. The cat's stared at me with quizzical looks as I continued to clean up thing.

At 12:40 something I went on the computer and attempted to type something funny here; with banana in hand I started my task.......

My eyes fluttered open at 3pm.... God dammit I had fallen asleep, "What the crap!" I yelled the cat that had fallen asleep on my legs was not happy about that. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, when I moved my hands I could see my reflection in the TV and was suddenly struck with an idea.

3:30 "Well here i am, laying on the floor staring at the celling in my underwear hoping that a typing fairy comes down here and helps me out with my issues, but alas, much to my dismay this is no help... Poop....well lets give it more time.

6:30 Dammit I fell asleep again. I need to eat something.

8:10 I spend the next hour banging on my key board in an attempt to make words come out of nothing.

12am,Contempt that I have typed something (this) I decided to go to bed.

Listening to Ryan Adams, as my creative juices slowly leak out of my pores

It's hard being a monkey, that types, that works, that sings and has to listen to these fucking U.S. Army commercials every 20mins. I'm currently weighing the good and bad things in my life.

The Bad Things:
My book, is currently at a stand still.
My musical muse is dead.
My bananas are moldy.
My job is starting to get on my nerves.

The Good Things:
My computer works.
My pets are healthy
My job pays the bills (it costs a lot to live in Central Park West).
My Windows Media Player is full of music and it makes me happy.

So everything is neck and neck......That's pretty much the way of things, neck and neck, for every good things there's a bad thing and vice versa......

Blah.

Tomorrow: Is it better to nap at night of the day?

My Computer......

So recently I've become lazier then normal when it comes to typing, not saying I wasn't already. I've been working on a novel for the last oh....going on seven years and I have only written approximately seven chapters (a chapter a year for those keeping count). I decided to get myself a microphone and train the speech program in Office. The thought of being about to talk to my computer like it was a secretary made my little monkey heart flutter with joy.

Traveling to my nearest Best Buy, I attempted to locate said microphone. After a half hour of walking around in what can only be described as a blind rage, I decided to ask a sales person.
"Excuse me, where would I find a computer microphone?" I asked a zitty looking adolescent.
"Um...well....I think....um...I really don't know maybe here."
He brings me to speakers. I wanted to strangle him with my tail. Luckily his life was saved due to my attention to my surroundings.
"Aren't those microphones" I said.
The salesperson (I use that term lightly) looked to where I was pointing and nodded much like a wooden puppet.

I shooed him away and began looking at microphones. Thank god I have a background in them because a normal monkey would have been lost. (I should inform you that the salesperson told me about the mics was as follows, "this is good this is better this is the best" I wanted to beat him for not telling me what made them good better and best) I made a phone call to my friend (He's a Yettie that sells pro-audio equipment) and asked him if the mic I had selected would be good for my application, of course it was.

I sped home in a delusional joy having found a way to make my life so much easier. I went and plugged in my brand new Logitech Mic, and then clicked the speech button in office.....BOOM

After I awoke I saw the heaping pile on plastic and metal that use to be a Sony Vio and and Logitech Mic, with a cat laying in the middle of it chewing on the microphone's wire......

Tomorrow: When it rains does it really pour?

My realization as a primate.......

When you have reached the age of 23 you are pretty much done with living (as far as monkeys go). Recently I came to the conclusion that the only real way to live to my fullest monkey potential is to start acting differently. This doesn't mean I am going to turn my back on a species, much to the contrary, I'm going to immerse myself into being the best monkey I can be.

I was talking to a friend today when she said something to the effect of me being the type of person that gets walked all over. Nay I said. But then I started to think, through my formidable years of primate puberty I was the ring leader of my group of friends, (ring leader is not the word, it was an ominous collective that had no elected officials I just happened to plan a lot of the outings if you will, anyway) I wondered what had happened from then to now. The answer was clear......Guitar Center.

Much like the army, my enlistment into this vast corporation started with destroying my individuality, I became the company as everyone dose. After 5 years of this I had completely and utterly lost my ability to be in charge, hence why I was feeling the way I felt.

After about six of seven banana milk shakes, I came up with this following 5 step plan, it's what I call.....

Getting My Rocking Self Back

1:Stop worrying about don't do and do what you you know how to do. You can always convince people you know what you are talking about later. (Dumb hairless apes)

2:When you want something go for it, stop prancing around like it'll just come to you.

3:Life is full of hardships but if you don't deal with them, they win.

4:Remember that there's always comfort in bananas

5:And everything Yoda has ever said.

I know that is I follow these things I can be the best monkey in the world.

Tomorrow: The day I found out how fun it is to throw poop.........

My banana once told me.....

So Christmas is over and I've finally settled into my new place. I now live in Central Park West, yes "in" the park, I have an awesome tree house overlooking the circle. It's a nice place to call home; big screen TV, all the video games that boy monkey needs in life. I'm in the center of culture, so now not only am I the best looking monkey in the city; but the most cultured (It's good to be me)

I had my relatives over for the holidays, that's always fun; bunch of free loading primates that don't help you move but are willing to eat you out of house and home. My sister enjoyed her shot glasses and DVD, (I also got her soap, cause she smells.....she ate that......that's why I don't get her anything expensive) My father the baboon got a copy of BSG Season 1, he was thrilled (he showed this by defecating on the box and handing it back to me with a big smile), my mother, the orangutan, bought herself a gift as always (it was a griddle, she fried bananas for the family in the morning) all of this happened Christmas morning.

Later that week, I believe it was Tuesday (Christmas Day being Monday) I caught a 24hr stomach bug, (that involved me spewing stomach acid all over the place) and only worked a collective 4hrs this passed week. Due to lack of monkeys being able to get health insurance in NJ I ended up shelling out $200 for meds and a doctor's visit (Totally upset about the cost of monkey health care)

Over all a productive holiday.

Tomorrow: How to thumb wrestling with a lemer........