My Computer......

So recently I've become lazier then normal when it comes to typing, not saying I wasn't already. I've been working on a novel for the last oh....going on seven years and I have only written approximately seven chapters (a chapter a year for those keeping count). I decided to get myself a microphone and train the speech program in Office. The thought of being about to talk to my computer like it was a secretary made my little monkey heart flutter with joy.

Traveling to my nearest Best Buy, I attempted to locate said microphone. After a half hour of walking around in what can only be described as a blind rage, I decided to ask a sales person.
"Excuse me, where would I find a computer microphone?" I asked a zitty looking adolescent.
"Um...well....I think....um...I really don't know maybe here."
He brings me to speakers. I wanted to strangle him with my tail. Luckily his life was saved due to my attention to my surroundings.
"Aren't those microphones" I said.
The salesperson (I use that term lightly) looked to where I was pointing and nodded much like a wooden puppet.

I shooed him away and began looking at microphones. Thank god I have a background in them because a normal monkey would have been lost. (I should inform you that the salesperson told me about the mics was as follows, "this is good this is better this is the best" I wanted to beat him for not telling me what made them good better and best) I made a phone call to my friend (He's a Yettie that sells pro-audio equipment) and asked him if the mic I had selected would be good for my application, of course it was.

I sped home in a delusional joy having found a way to make my life so much easier. I went and plugged in my brand new Logitech Mic, and then clicked the speech button in office.....BOOM

After I awoke I saw the heaping pile on plastic and metal that use to be a Sony Vio and and Logitech Mic, with a cat laying in the middle of it chewing on the microphone's wire......

Tomorrow: When it rains does it really pour?

My realization as a primate.......

When you have reached the age of 23 you are pretty much done with living (as far as monkeys go). Recently I came to the conclusion that the only real way to live to my fullest monkey potential is to start acting differently. This doesn't mean I am going to turn my back on a species, much to the contrary, I'm going to immerse myself into being the best monkey I can be.

I was talking to a friend today when she said something to the effect of me being the type of person that gets walked all over. Nay I said. But then I started to think, through my formidable years of primate puberty I was the ring leader of my group of friends, (ring leader is not the word, it was an ominous collective that had no elected officials I just happened to plan a lot of the outings if you will, anyway) I wondered what had happened from then to now. The answer was clear......Guitar Center.

Much like the army, my enlistment into this vast corporation started with destroying my individuality, I became the company as everyone dose. After 5 years of this I had completely and utterly lost my ability to be in charge, hence why I was feeling the way I felt.

After about six of seven banana milk shakes, I came up with this following 5 step plan, it's what I call.....

Getting My Rocking Self Back

1:Stop worrying about don't do and do what you you know how to do. You can always convince people you know what you are talking about later. (Dumb hairless apes)

2:When you want something go for it, stop prancing around like it'll just come to you.

3:Life is full of hardships but if you don't deal with them, they win.

4:Remember that there's always comfort in bananas

5:And everything Yoda has ever said.

I know that is I follow these things I can be the best monkey in the world.

Tomorrow: The day I found out how fun it is to throw poop.........

My banana once told me.....

So Christmas is over and I've finally settled into my new place. I now live in Central Park West, yes "in" the park, I have an awesome tree house overlooking the circle. It's a nice place to call home; big screen TV, all the video games that boy monkey needs in life. I'm in the center of culture, so now not only am I the best looking monkey in the city; but the most cultured (It's good to be me)

I had my relatives over for the holidays, that's always fun; bunch of free loading primates that don't help you move but are willing to eat you out of house and home. My sister enjoyed her shot glasses and DVD, (I also got her soap, cause she smells.....she ate that......that's why I don't get her anything expensive) My father the baboon got a copy of BSG Season 1, he was thrilled (he showed this by defecating on the box and handing it back to me with a big smile), my mother, the orangutan, bought herself a gift as always (it was a griddle, she fried bananas for the family in the morning) all of this happened Christmas morning.

Later that week, I believe it was Tuesday (Christmas Day being Monday) I caught a 24hr stomach bug, (that involved me spewing stomach acid all over the place) and only worked a collective 4hrs this passed week. Due to lack of monkeys being able to get health insurance in NJ I ended up shelling out $200 for meds and a doctor's visit (Totally upset about the cost of monkey health care)

Over all a productive holiday.

Tomorrow: How to thumb wrestling with a lemer........