So since life is finally starting to feel like Christmas (the temperature, hell my lips are chapped and that's a hard thing to happen to the monkey).
So as a PSA to the community I will be giving you the:
"Guide to Surviving the Holidays Monkey Style"
1: To avoid becoming full of rage at the mall; try taking tiny ice breaker mints and occasionally throwing then a head of you aiming for the bald guy that only comes out this time of year.
2: Get an unwanted fruit cake? Re-gift it to an old senile relative or donate it to a hospital food drive (sick old people eat anything)
3: When the relatives come over play games like, "Where are grandma's dentures", "How many times you can fart during dinner before people start to wonder if you are doing it on purpose"
4: Egg nog is good but it tastes better with banana liqueur
5: When you get a sweater and you really wanted a video game system; smile and plot revenge. Get them a twig and some poop
6: When hear people singing Christmas carols, sing back louder but don't sing Christmas carols instead sing Slayer's "Reign In Blood" and give them the metal sign
7: Kiss and hugs are nice but nothing says Merry Christmas like a swift punch to the groin
8: People in malls don't like waiting in line so make their stay much more enjoyable by telling them what you would like for Christmas. When they look at you funny say "you better get it for me or i swear to all that is holy I will hunt you down and let everyone know that you are a horrible person that hates monkeys and children and kills kittens and puppies!"
9: Pee when you are sitting on Santa's lap, he loves that.
10: Monkeys make the best gifts.
Tomorrow: Is it better to recive then give?
1 comment:
You are a crackhead, Monkey-boy. And I mean that in the most flattering sense of the word. :)
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